A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change you hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you lose your house.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ?
A. Darling

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!



Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Q. Did you hear about the new cereal called Prostituties?
A: It doesn't snap, crackle or pop...it just lies there and bangs.

Q: What can a jelly bean do that a man can't do?
A: Come in 7 different flavors.

Q: Did you hear the post office is putting out a new stamp to comemmorate prostitutes?
A: For 10 cents you can buy it...and for another 25 cents you can lick it.

Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many MPH can you go on sex?
A: 68. When you hit 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.

Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: When did Pinnocchio finally realize that he was made of wood?
A: When his hand caught fire.

Q: Why is there no Pilsbury Dough Girl?
A: She died of a yeast infection.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you pick up stuff with that little thing?

Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde who snorted nutra sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

So a chicken and an egg are laying in bed together.
The chicken is laying there with a huge grin, looking very content, and is smoking a cigarette. The egg, on the other hand, is laying there with its arms crossed and a pissed off look on its face.
"Well", says the chicken, "I guess we settled that little question, didn't we?"

A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash in the yard. After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "You know, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill". She didn't say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him, and she said, "Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill for just one little weenie like that ?!?

BOOK TITLES

RUSSIA'S REVENGE...BY IGOR WHOBITYAKOKOFF

TIGER'S REVENGE...BY CLAUDE BALLS

BROWN SPOTS ON THE WALL...BY WHO FLUNG DUNG

50 STEPS TO THE OUTHOUSE...BY WILLIE MAKEIT...ILLUSTRATED BY BETTY WONT

RUSTY BEDSPRINGS...BY I P NIGHTLY

YELLOW STREAM...BY I P STANDING

OPEN KIMONO...BY SEYMOUR HARE

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars for a little workout. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

IN THE BEGINNING GOD WAS A WOMAN. SHE CREATED WOMAN IN HER OWN LIKENESS, GIVING HER A BEAUTIFUL WORLD TO LIVE IN.
ONE DAY WOMAN COMES TO GOD WITH A REQUEST. SHE SAYS "GOD, THANK YOU FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD AND MAKING ME IN YOUR LIKENESS BUT I REALLY NEED A FAVOR. THIS THIRD TIT YOU GAVE ME--YOU KNOW THE ONE IN THE CENTER ? WELL IT'S REALLY USELESS. COULD YOU TAKE IT AWAY?" GOD SAYS "SURE CAN WOMAN" AND ZAP THE 3RD TIT IS GONE. WOMAN SAYS "THANK YOU GOD "
A WHILE LATER WOMAN COMES TO GOD WITH ANOTHER REQUEST SHE SAYS "GOD, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, BUT IT'S GETTING A LITTLE LONELY DOWN HERE, COULD YOU MAKE ME A MATE, SOMEONE DIFFERENT FROM ME WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL BODY PARTS? " GOD SAYS, "SURE THING, I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO FASHION HIM AFTER.........WHERE DID I PUT THAT USELESS TIT ?"

A MAN WHO WORKED FOR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT CAME HOME FROM WORK ONE DAY AND TOLD HIS WIFE, "YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A WONDERFUL SYSTEM AT THE FIRE STATION. BELL 1 RINGS AND WE ALL PUT ON OUR JACKETS. BELL 2 RINGS AND WE ALL SLIDE DOWN THE POLE. BELL 3 RINGS AND WE'RE ON THE FIRE TRUCK READY TO GO. FROM NOW ON WE ARE GOING TO RUN THIS HOUSE THE SAME WAY. WHEN I SAY BELL 1, I WANT YOU TO STRIP NAKED. WHEN I SAY BELL 2, I WANT YOU TO JUMP IN BED. WHEN I SAY BELL 3, WE ARE GOING TO SCREW ALL NIGHT."
THE NEXT NIGHT HE CAME HOME FROM WORK AND YELLED "BELL 1" THE WIFE TOOK OFF ALL HER CLOTHES. "BELL 2" THE WIFE JUMPED INTO BED. "BELL 3" THEY BEGAN SCREWING. AFTER 2 MINUTES THE WIFE YELLED "BELL 4" "WHAT'S THIS BELL 4?" ASKED THE HUSBAND. "MORE HOSE," SHE REPLIED, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE !!"

A PENGUIN IS TAKING A ROAD TRIP WHEN HIS CAR BREAKS DOWN. LUCKILY FOR HIM, HE FINDS HIMSELF JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM A MECHANIC. SO, HE PUSHES HIS CAR TO THE SHOP AND ASKS THE MECHANIC TO TAKE A LOOK. THE MECHANIC TELLS HIM THAT IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO FIND THE PROBLEM AND ASKS HIM TO COME BACK IN AN HOUR.
THE PENGUIN GOES OVER TO THE SUPERMARKET AND BUYS SOME FROZEN FISH AND SOME VANILLA ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH AND SPENDS THE REST OF THE HOUR HANGING OUT IN THE FROZEN FOODS SECTION. AFTER THE HOUR IS UP, HE WADDLES BACK OVER TO THE MECHANIC'S SHOP. SEEING HIM COMING, THE MECHANIC WALKS OVER, AND WIPING HIS HANDS ON A RAG, SAYS,"LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE JUST BLOWN A SEAL." THE PENGUIN BLUSHES, WIPES HIS BEAK WITH HIS FLIPPER AND SAYS, "NO, IT'S JUST SOME VANILLA ICE CREAM."

A MAN'S SEXUAL ANATOMY ANALYSED

A research group at the University of Western Ontario conducted a study to determine why the head of a penis is larger than the shaft. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, during months of research, they concluded that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft, to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Scientists at the Queen's University questioned the findings and proceeded with their own study. After spending thousands of dollars, and after weeks of research, they concluded that head of penis is larger than the shaft, to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The research staff at the University of Waterloo thought both studies were incorrect. Spending twenty dollars for three days days of research, they determined that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies.

WHAT IF CONDOMS HAD CORPORATE SPONSORS?

Folger Condoms: Good to the last drop.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a women.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

Lotto Condoms: Cause hey ---- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

Eveready Condoms: Keeps going and going .....

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

Nature Valley Condoms: The condoms nature intended.

Pontiac Condoms: We build excitement.

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Arch Deluxe Condoms: The condom with the grown up taste.

M&M's Condoms: Melts in your mouth not in your hands.

VW Condoms: Drivers wanted.

GE Condoms: We bring good things to life.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:

Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
Hand Job: $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

The man replies "Well, wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Top 10 reasons E-mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis.....

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

Those of you who do not agree with this, you are not fully maximizing all the available features of your e-mail system.