Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant !
The Top 20 Reasons
Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows 95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL...with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{fO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqs,. *
* Too Damn Hard to Type With Paws
YOU KNOW YOU OWN A "BIG" DOG WHEN...
...the sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
...you tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair
...it takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets
...you walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you
have no idea who these people are
...you can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly
in your crotch
...your dog can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things)
fully inside his lips and give you that innocent look
that says, "What? I'm not eating anything!"
...you carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a
new vehicle
...you keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of
your house
...after banishing your spouse, the snoring in your bedroom still
keeps you awake
...you are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought
to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog
...you toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits
his head on the top of the doorway
...you take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm,
causing you to make random right turns
...you have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub
...your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end
up pulling the ceiling fan down -- for the second time
...you have to move over when brushing your teeth because
your dog wants a drink
...you show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and
the first person you point out is your dog
...while stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your
car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the
window
...you go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there
on the ceiling
...you've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have
a saddle for that thing?"
...the monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment
...you have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and
the dishes are in the sink
...the donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you
get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose
...your dog can see what you're cooking, and he tries to
assist you in the preparation
...you're holding him straddled between your legs when
the doorbell rings, and you find yourself quickly transported
straight to the front door
...the pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the
sidewalk
...your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick
his head in the drive-through window at MacDonald's and
nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around
to give you your change
...you purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when
he stands in front of the television
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high
volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right
out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of
tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try separately not to run
the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a
Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for
her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy
Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The
Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with
a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog
raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF:
There, in front of the old woman , who has now turned into a beautiful
princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More
handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe,
completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips
across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me
neutered."
