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How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Arkansas!
1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders."
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git."
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos."
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie."
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP," Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so."
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker - "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".
In Computer Heaven
The management is from Intel
The design and construction is from Apple
The marketing is done by Microsoft
IBM provides the support
Gateway determines the pricing
In Computer Hell
The management is from Apple
Microsoft does design and construction
IBM handles the marketing
The support is from Gateway
Intel sets the price
Engineer's Story
There are three engineers in a car,
an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road,
and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel
is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion.
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out,
get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
What if Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
If Microsoft Made Cars...
1.New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
2.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
3.The US Gov't would get subsidies from an auto maker first.
4.The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a 'GENERAL CAR FAULT' warning light.
5.Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
6.You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
7.You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT - but then you would need to buy more seats.
8.Occasionally your car would die for no reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would accept this as normal.
9.Everytime the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
10.People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
(Can you say MacinCar?)
Computer Viruses
Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your PC suddenly claims it's a Mac
Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus........Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus......Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus........Quits after one byte
Prozac virus.........Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virus......Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus......Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus......Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus......Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michaels virus.....Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus....... Only attacks minor files
X-files virus.......All your icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus.......Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus.......Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus...... Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sonny Bono virus....Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
Martha Stewart virus.....Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus.....Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, then slowly expands to 300 MB
AT&T virus......Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus........Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus... Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
WINDAES 98
Read this with the best scottish accent you can muster in your wee heed.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow Ned edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow Ned editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow Ned edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog
Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
Control Panel is known as How Tae Fook Aboot Wi The Settins
Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk
Floppies are Them Wee Plastic Fookers.
And instead of an error message, you get a windae covered with an empty Buckfast bottle.
Other features:
OK = its aww-right
cancel = fook off
reset = whit yoo aw aboot
yes = aye
no = nay fookin' chance
find = get it yer fookin' sel'
go to = orr therr
help = ah cannae dae it
stop = gie's fookin peace start = fookin' move
settings = settins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = ma shit
Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
cullerin book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
sounds = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchers = a graphics viewer
dole money = M/S accounting software
Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super
cuzzins = family history (usually 14-year-old mother's name and a shortlist of possible fathers)
tax records = usually an empty file Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)
doactir = vetrinarians by post code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Glasgow Ned edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Girlfriend 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
HUSBAND 1.0
There are alot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorised. If this happens alot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are inpossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
One-liner Signature Files for the Internet
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
