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knowing that you just had 2 cups of coffee and a bran muffin." |
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If something can go wrong, it will go wrong and at the worst possible time.
A pat on the back is only inches from a kick in the pants.
If it's broken and can't be fixed with a hammer or duct tape...it's garbage.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.
If it doesn't fit use a bigger hammer.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Left to themselves things always go from bad to worse.
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
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When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
A lady calls a vet and says, "Hurry right over Doctor, I think my little dog is dead!" So the vet hurries right over with his little black bag. He checks out the little dog and says, "You may be right, ma'am." He opens up his little black bag and pulls out a cat. He puts the cat on the floor and it walks around the dog 3 times, then he picks up the cat and puts it back in his bag. He says to the lady, "Yes, your dog is dead...that'll be $1025.00." The lady says, "Why do I owe you so much?" The doctor says, "Well, it is $25 for the house call and $1000 for the cat-scan."
Workday Prayer
OH, GREAT SPIRITS...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be
careful of the toes
I step on today,
as they may be connected
to the ass that I have
to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
and 5% on Friday.
And when I'm having a really bad day, and
it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
help me to remember that it takes
42 muscles to frown and only 4
to extend my middle finger
and tell them to bite me.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering. "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare and grin at another passenger for a while. Finally announce, "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go." Eventually sigh and say "Oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Enter the elevator with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Proudly say "Ding!" at each floor.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Q. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. It turned itself in.
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven. One to change the bulb, three to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
Q. How many Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The answer, my friend is blowin' in the wind...the answer is blowin' in the wind.
Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q. How many software people does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a hardware problem.
Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was.
Did you hear about the 90 year old man who stripped off all of his clothes and ran through the flower show naked ?
He took first prize for best hanging dried arrangement.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
3. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
6. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
12. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
13. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
14. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
15. STRESS is when you wake up screaming, & then you realize
you haven't fallen asleep yet.
16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
17. Adults are just kids who owe money.
18. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
19. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paycheques.
24. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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HOLY SHIT |
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1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
And
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A DUCK WALKS INTO A BAR, WALKS UP TO THE BARTENDER AND ASKS HIM "GOT ANY GRAPES?"
"NO", THE BARTENDER SAYS, "WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES."
NEXT DAY THE DUCK WALKS INTO THE SAME BAR, GOES TO THE SAME BARTENDER AND ASKS "GOT ANY GRAPES ?"
BARTENDER SAYS, "NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES !"
NEXT DAY THE DUCK WALKS INTO THE SAME BAR, GOES TO THE SAME BARTENDER AND ASKS "GOT ANY GRAPES ?"
BARTENDER SAYS, "NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN ASKING FOR GRAPES I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR !"
NEXT DAY DUCK WALKS INTO THE SAME BAR AND ASKS THE SAME BARTENDER "GOT ANY NAILS ?"
BARTENDER SAYS "NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS."
DUCK SAYS "GOOD, GOT ANY GRAPES ?"
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.
9. I pay your salary.
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW" HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? IDON'T THINK SO."
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT." TOWHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONTDOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK." "I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIXSTEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OFYOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT ISWORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
'HONEY,HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN ANICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DOALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE ACAKE." HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste.
Click Here for More Crude and XXX Jokes
Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh... I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Does never work for you? 16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. Are you a f***ing ray of sunshine every day?
19. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
20. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
21. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
22. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
23. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
24. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
25. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
26. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
27. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
28. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
29. I like you... I'll kill you last...
The Human Race...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be .. how??)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(!!!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on the bottom of the box)--Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time???)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to outer space or underground)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmmmm, now I'm curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(no comment)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(what is going on here?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(as if you try to stop *anything* with your genitals-clearly my favorite of the list)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
"Pikachu"
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."
In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
" Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"Special today -- no ice cream."
In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."
In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"English well talking.
Here speeching American."
"Starr Wars"
The Clinton Saga
